I manage to work through and get it all done. As I look at the office all around me, no-one is there. The office is bare. It feels like a metaphor for my life. I really do feel quite lonely when I look at my life. But as I am not truly living a life I love, a great life, I really don't feel connected to anyone around me, let alone myself.
Sure I go out for Friday night drinks each week but it's the same old. The girls at work seem to pick up around me or have guys to go home to and I never seem to meet any great fab guy. Except a few loosers and desperates that come my way. I must have written on my head, 'send the left overs my way'. Why is it the guys I'm attracted to are never in to me and I always seem to get the loosers who are really just in to themselves. I must have done some seriously bad kharma stuff in my previous life to end up with the life I've got this time around.
Note to self... thers's something in this. If I never attract the guys I would love what am I really putting out there? What am I saying about me?
"MY JOURNEY, MY LIFE" A woman in her early 30s has lost her way. Through noticing the light in others and eventually herself, she is led on a journey of travel, discovery and possibility. But will she find her way home?
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Loosing It
As I open the door it feels surreal. I feel like I'm floating, everything is in slow motion. I feel like I'm in space. God what did I eat for lunch? Did someone spike my lunch with some acid trip. It's like I've lost my mind.
I move through my day I feel as if I'm responding to everyone in S...L...O...W mode. Everything is S...L..O...W...E..D right down. Seriously, what is happening to me? I feel like I'm having an out of body experience. Oh god, maybe I'm about to have a panic attack. Maybe I am actually having a panic attack right NOW! I feel like I'm going to loose it, arghh...
"Beth", someone calls out my name, calling me out of my crazy head talk. It's my boss. He calls out my name again, once, twice, three times. He virtually shouts in my ear. "BETH!" "What are you doing? Are you alright? Can you hear me? I need those reports on my desk before close of business today."
He's shouting at me (well it feels that way). I feel sensitive to the noise. OMIGOD I'm having a breakdown that's what it is. I'm going to fall on the floor and the ambulance will be called and they'll say Beth has gone mad and she needs a shot. Never to be heard of again. They'll have shipped me off to the asylum.
Mmmmm I wander what the Paramedic will look like? I do ope I at least get a decent looking one. Oh maybe he'll be the man of my dreams, maybe this was all meant to be. My breakdown happed for a reason. So I could loose my mind and find my man in the same breath. Oh god, what am I saying. I'm happy to loose my mind as long as I get my man.
Ok Beth, breath!
You are not loosing it. You may be 33, single, in a job that doesn't excite you in the slightest, inspire or pay you well, you may have dreams and aspirations that you never really fulfill and you may live a life you don't really love. But hey, at least you have your mind! Oh bonus. And now I may be loosing my mind.
"BETH", my boss shouts to me, snapping me back in to reality. "Reports before you leave tonight, got it! :Ahhhh yeah Ted got it. Great, yeah, um, no probs", I fumble back.
Oh excellent, and now I'm going to have to work back late and sit here suffering this life I don't love in silence for a few hours longer, excellent.
I move through my day I feel as if I'm responding to everyone in S...L...O...W mode. Everything is S...L..O...W...E..D right down. Seriously, what is happening to me? I feel like I'm having an out of body experience. Oh god, maybe I'm about to have a panic attack. Maybe I am actually having a panic attack right NOW! I feel like I'm going to loose it, arghh...
"Beth", someone calls out my name, calling me out of my crazy head talk. It's my boss. He calls out my name again, once, twice, three times. He virtually shouts in my ear. "BETH!" "What are you doing? Are you alright? Can you hear me? I need those reports on my desk before close of business today."
He's shouting at me (well it feels that way). I feel sensitive to the noise. OMIGOD I'm having a breakdown that's what it is. I'm going to fall on the floor and the ambulance will be called and they'll say Beth has gone mad and she needs a shot. Never to be heard of again. They'll have shipped me off to the asylum.
Mmmmm I wander what the Paramedic will look like? I do ope I at least get a decent looking one. Oh maybe he'll be the man of my dreams, maybe this was all meant to be. My breakdown happed for a reason. So I could loose my mind and find my man in the same breath. Oh god, what am I saying. I'm happy to loose my mind as long as I get my man.
Ok Beth, breath!
You are not loosing it. You may be 33, single, in a job that doesn't excite you in the slightest, inspire or pay you well, you may have dreams and aspirations that you never really fulfill and you may live a life you don't really love. But hey, at least you have your mind! Oh bonus. And now I may be loosing my mind.
"BETH", my boss shouts to me, snapping me back in to reality. "Reports before you leave tonight, got it! :Ahhhh yeah Ted got it. Great, yeah, um, no probs", I fumble back.
Oh excellent, and now I'm going to have to work back late and sit here suffering this life I don't love in silence for a few hours longer, excellent.
Breath
As I sit in this scrunched up ball on the pavement I stop and breath for a moment. My thoughts go straight away to 'go inward'. Take some time to go inward. So I do. As if I'm hatching a plan.
Ok I say to myself, time to make some changes. I want to turn my life around. Live higher and brighter and lighter. I want to live as nature intended as I would love to be.
But I don't know how to do this. I don't know where to begin. So all I can do is put one foot in front of the other. Take one step at a time to find my new way to live. As I take steps through the Sydney streets, I feel like a robot, heavy and cumbersome, awkwardly walking along, but a i am moving and that is better than that crumpled up little ball I was before.
I know I want to skip, I know I want to feel joy. I want to live as nature intended. Seriously how did I get so off track? How did I get to this place?
First things first, I know I must leave my job. I'm on a mission now. My step becomes quicker as I head back to the office. I'm scared, I'm crazy, I'm a whole bunch of things at the moment but I feel I can't stay in this job a moment longer.
Breathless, as I reach my building, I decide to climb the stairs. Perhaps it's just to buy some more time. As I finally reach the top of the stairs seriously breathless now, I reach my hand on the door knob and then stop myself.
Fear kicks in.
What am I doing? I'm about to resign from my job. No idea of where I'm headed. No job to go to, no travel destination, no idea. No No No I say. I'm tortured. I feel crazy in this moment. Paralyzed almost. I feel like I am in between decisions and neither belong to me. I feel changed in a single heartbeat. I can't go back, but how do I go forward? Just breath Beth, just breath.
Ok note to self, be a bit more rational in these outburst irrational moments. Breath, get through the rest of the day, don't resign today. Think on it over night. Yes get through my day. One task at a time and then get home and take some time to think what the FARK! am I doing!!!
Ok I say to myself, time to make some changes. I want to turn my life around. Live higher and brighter and lighter. I want to live as nature intended as I would love to be.
But I don't know how to do this. I don't know where to begin. So all I can do is put one foot in front of the other. Take one step at a time to find my new way to live. As I take steps through the Sydney streets, I feel like a robot, heavy and cumbersome, awkwardly walking along, but a i am moving and that is better than that crumpled up little ball I was before.
I know I want to skip, I know I want to feel joy. I want to live as nature intended. Seriously how did I get so off track? How did I get to this place?
First things first, I know I must leave my job. I'm on a mission now. My step becomes quicker as I head back to the office. I'm scared, I'm crazy, I'm a whole bunch of things at the moment but I feel I can't stay in this job a moment longer.
Breathless, as I reach my building, I decide to climb the stairs. Perhaps it's just to buy some more time. As I finally reach the top of the stairs seriously breathless now, I reach my hand on the door knob and then stop myself.
Fear kicks in.
What am I doing? I'm about to resign from my job. No idea of where I'm headed. No job to go to, no travel destination, no idea. No No No I say. I'm tortured. I feel crazy in this moment. Paralyzed almost. I feel like I am in between decisions and neither belong to me. I feel changed in a single heartbeat. I can't go back, but how do I go forward? Just breath Beth, just breath.
Ok note to self, be a bit more rational in these outburst irrational moments. Breath, get through the rest of the day, don't resign today. Think on it over night. Yes get through my day. One task at a time and then get home and take some time to think what the FARK! am I doing!!!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
I Want Out
I am more than my current life, my current situation. I have more to give, more to experience, more to love and be loved. There is SO much more of me the world and I have not seen of me. I want to be better, I want to be more. I want to be that woman I feel inside of me but yet to radiate out.
Ok just breath.
I feel teary, emotional as I write this.
I can see there is more but I don't know how. I close my eyes for a few moments. Standing in the traffic filled streets of Sydney. The buses, the cars, cabs and traffic rush by, yet I am still.
I can see there is more but I don't know how. I close my eyes for a few moments. Standing in the traffic filled streets of Sydney. The buses, the cars, cabs and traffic rush by, yet I am still.
I ask in this quiet internal moment, "how?" How do I do this? How do I create this, how do I live this? The answer that comes is... "let go!" Let go of everything that burdens and blocks me from being who I really am and really want to be. Let go of thinking there is just one way of doing things. Let go of it all.
As I imagine the layers peeling away in the busy city streets I feel lighter, taller, bigger than everyone around me. I feel so expansive. I love this euphoric feeling.
But it's all too fleeting. I deflate.
Back to reality. Back to the land of the living (well maybe 'existing' as apposed to 'living'), back to the busy city life, busy streets of Sydney again. Yet now I feel smaller, so much smaller than before. I feel more contracted than ever, congested, restricted. I feel like I'm suffocating. I feel like scrunching myself up in to a tiny ball and covering my ears, my head, my body.
Everyone is walking over me, stepping around, through and on me. It's as if I am going totally unnoticed, like no one can see me. Well how do I expect to people to see me really, if I can't even see myself. That feeling that even though I'm here, I'm not really here. I can't stand it. I want to be tall again. I want to feel connected to God again, connected to the universe and feel as if I could do anything, be anything. But instead I am this little ball of mush. This little ball of nothing.
But it's all too fleeting. I deflate.
Back to reality. Back to the land of the living (well maybe 'existing' as apposed to 'living'), back to the busy city life, busy streets of Sydney again. Yet now I feel smaller, so much smaller than before. I feel more contracted than ever, congested, restricted. I feel like I'm suffocating. I feel like scrunching myself up in to a tiny ball and covering my ears, my head, my body.
Everyone is walking over me, stepping around, through and on me. It's as if I am going totally unnoticed, like no one can see me. Well how do I expect to people to see me really, if I can't even see myself. That feeling that even though I'm here, I'm not really here. I can't stand it. I want to be tall again. I want to feel connected to God again, connected to the universe and feel as if I could do anything, be anything. But instead I am this little ball of mush. This little ball of nothing.
Ok just breath.
Prelude
Beth had a desire to travel. There was a deep passionate part of herself, that wanted to travel. To see all that life had to offer through travel. it seemed so humdrum and mundane, so boring to just do one thing, one job, one life for the rest of her life. She wanted to expand her mind, expand her life, expand her horizons, literally and metaphorically through travel. Friends and family back home thought she was crazy. What on earth would you want to do that for? To expand myself. Don't you see, when you live in one place, one life, you only see one way to look at life to see and do things. But when you travel, you truly expand yourself, you open yourself up to all of life's pleasures, places and taste sensations.
I don't know where to begin she thought, I don't know how to start? Where do I get the money and where do I want to travel? But there is a burning desire within me to do this. I know this is true, right and meant to be. I feel this burning, yearning, sensation inside me. It's as if I will be hollow if I stay in this existence. A part of myself is meant to expand my soul, my horizons but no-one around me seems to truly understand or get what I am talking about. No-one seems equipped to help me do this thing I want to do. And that 'thing', is to have the greatest life I have ever experienced. To fulfill my dreams, to live all of my adventures, to love, and be loved, to have children, to taste other communities and cultures, to feel connected to all the world has to offer. Mmmm just writing about it makes me want to do it.
I don't know where to begin she thought, I don't know how to start? Where do I get the money and where do I want to travel? But there is a burning desire within me to do this. I know this is true, right and meant to be. I feel this burning, yearning, sensation inside me. It's as if I will be hollow if I stay in this existence. A part of myself is meant to expand my soul, my horizons but no-one around me seems to truly understand or get what I am talking about. No-one seems equipped to help me do this thing I want to do. And that 'thing', is to have the greatest life I have ever experienced. To fulfill my dreams, to live all of my adventures, to love, and be loved, to have children, to taste other communities and cultures, to feel connected to all the world has to offer. Mmmm just writing about it makes me want to do it.
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