I Want Out

I am more than my current life, my current situation. I have more to give, more to experience, more to love and be loved. There is SO much more of me the world and I have not seen of me. I want to be better, I want to be more. I want to be that woman I feel inside of me but yet to radiate out.

I feel teary, emotional as I write this.

I can see there is more but I don't know how. I close my eyes for a few moments. Standing in the traffic filled streets of Sydney. The buses, the cars, cabs and traffic rush by, yet I am still.

I ask in this quiet internal moment, "how?" How do I do this? How do I create this, how do I live this? The answer that comes is... "let go!" Let go of everything that burdens and blocks me from being who I really am and really want to be. Let go of thinking there is just one way of doing things. Let go of it all.

As I imagine the layers peeling away in the busy city streets I feel lighter, taller, bigger than everyone around me. I feel so expansive. I love this euphoric feeling.

But it's all too fleeting. I deflate.

Back to reality. Back to the land of the living (well maybe 'existing' as apposed to 'living'), back to the busy city life, busy streets of Sydney again. Yet now I feel smaller, so much smaller than before. I feel more contracted than ever, congested, restricted. I feel like I'm suffocating. I feel like scrunching myself up in to a tiny ball and covering my ears, my head, my body.

Everyone is walking over me, stepping around, through and on me. It's as if I am going totally unnoticed, like no one can see me. Well how do I expect to people to see me really, if I can't even see myself. That feeling that even though I'm here, I'm not really here. I can't stand it. I want to be tall again. I want to feel connected to God again, connected to the universe and feel as if I could do anything, be anything. But instead I am this little ball of mush. This little ball of nothing.

Ok just breath.