Breath

As I sit in this scrunched up ball on the pavement I stop and breath for a moment. My thoughts go straight away to 'go inward'. Take some time to go inward. So I do. As if I'm hatching a plan.

Ok I say to myself, time to make some changes. I want to turn my life around. Live higher and brighter and lighter. I want to live as nature intended as I would love to be.

But I don't know how to do this. I don't know where to begin. So all I can do is put one foot in front of the other. Take one step at a time to find my new way to live. As I take steps through the Sydney streets, I feel like a robot, heavy and cumbersome, awkwardly walking along, but a i am moving and that is better than that crumpled up little ball I was before. 

I know I want to skip, I know I want to feel joy. I want to live as nature intended. Seriously how did I get so off track? How did I get to this place?

First things first, I know I must leave my job. I'm on a mission now. My step becomes quicker as I head back to the office. I'm scared, I'm crazy, I'm a whole bunch of things at the moment but I feel I can't stay in this job a moment longer.

Breathless, as I reach my building, I decide to climb the stairs. Perhaps it's just to buy some more time. As I finally reach the top of the stairs seriously breathless now, I reach my hand on the door knob and then stop myself.

Fear kicks in.

What am I doing? I'm about to resign from my job. No idea of where I'm headed. No job to go to, no travel destination, no idea. No No No I say. I'm tortured. I feel crazy in this moment. Paralyzed almost. I feel like I am in between decisions and neither belong to me. I feel changed in a single heartbeat. I can't go back, but how do I go forward? Just breath Beth, just breath.

Ok note to self, be a bit more rational in these outburst irrational moments. Breath, get through the rest of the day, don't resign today. Think on it over night. Yes get through my day. One task at a time and then get home and take some time to think what the FARK! am I doing!!!